Merton Social defender Gavin Larkin (#2) is one of the longest serving members of the team. Our in-house reporter caught up with him to ask a few questions about his time at the soash and where he predicts Merton to finish this season.
Gavin, great to catch up with you mate
Shalom my gentile friend - and please, call me Dragon.
Okay Dragon, how are you this fine Wednesday afternoon?
*Gavin Nods slowly three times*
…So you’ve been playing for Merton Social for 6 years?
Yeah, and we’ve been good for about 1 of them.
Yeah, it’s not going so well this season, what do you put that down to?
Problem is we used to have loads of sh*t players that used to pat eachother on the dick when we played bad, but we’ve got rid of some of them now. What we need mate is some testosterone. I also think we need WWE style walk-on music when we come out of the changing rooms; “Time to Play the Game” – Triple H or “King of Kings” by Motorhead. I also think we need to get rid of the Lucozade at half time and get some Pepsi Max Cherry in – it’s the drink of the gods.
Happy with the management?
F*cking Neville Neville? Nah, not at all. He needs to play me up top in a loan striker role like a young Dean Windass and play himself full-back.
Who would you get in if Morty was to be sacked by the board?
You need someone with either real premier league experience like Bernie Slaven or someone that won’t suffer fools – someone like Tyson Fury or like Ronnie Pickering. Imagine Ronnie Pickering running the club? He’d take no sh*t from anyone – he’s a bare knuckle fighter man and everyone knows who he is, except delivery men on bikes but we don’t have any of them in the team.
Who’s the weak link in the team and who would you get in to replace him?
Definitely Mike, he’s got no pace or strength. What Merton need is a good old fashioned English centre-forward like Olivier Giroud, although ironically he’s French.
Three Larkin brothers have worn the Merton stripes, yourself, Phil and now Andy. Who would you say has been the best?
Me. I’m the Best… Best Looking Fo’Sho Mo’fo.
You’ve had a torrid time with injuries recently, how’s the recovery been?
Yeah I hurt my back that’s better now but my real injury is my shoulders, they keep hurting from carrying all the weight of the goddamn team!
What’s your greatest achievement as a player?
…As a football player?
Okay, I’ll rephrase that, what’s your favourite moment as a Merton Social player?
When we won the league but D’Souza messed up the signing on forms and we lost the league. I was so angry, but we were actually decent then. We walked the league and beat everyone. No-one liked to play against Paul Scholes (points to himself) in the centre of midfield. I was like a ginger Messi that kicked people.
On the flip side, what’s the worst moment as a Merton Social player?
The 0-8 against St Martins in 2012. It was f*cking embarrassing, like we were getting bummed in the showers in Strangeways. We’ve absolutely smashed them every game since and beat them 16-0 so the jokes on them f**king stupid c*nts. I’d kick them in the tits.
Who do you reckon will finish top scorer this season?
Probably Terry, cause he sh*t his pants on the pitch last season.
Where do you think Merton will finish this season
Firsts will probably finish 4th, Seconds probably mid-table and the thirds might even win the league, depends on how many knackers they’ve got rid of. Like Tolu, he’s a nice lad but he’s had more chances than Ian Huntley …
So if the seconds have a good run between now and Christmas, do you think they can mount a promotion challenge?
YES, yes with a capital y
Any final words before you go?
You can only be led up the garden path for so long, until you say “hang on, I’m being led up the garden path here”.
Wise words indeed, thanks for your time.
*Gavin Larkin's New Autobiography 'Way of the Dragon' is available from all good bookstores this christmas