top of page

Touch of A Johnson

On Monday 15th February 2016, Adam Johnson was placed on Trial. The 28-year-old former footballer has admitted grooming and sexual activity with a child but he denies two charges relating to 'f**king the entire Merton Social Team out of the cup'

The allegations came to light on Sunday morning, when an anonymous club insider told BBC News: “There’s f**king no way Merton should lose to lower green, not f**king ever. We never lose to those f**king c**ts, somethings f**king going on there mind – I reckon Adam Johnson’s been f**king fiddling some of us…”.

This prompted South Merton Police to take a look into the matter and decided to bring in Johnson for questioning. After seeing evidence from Merton’s club iPhone messages, it went to trial early Monday Morning.

For the procecussion, Right Hnr Gary Webber QC opened the proceedings with his statement “Lads and lasses of the Jury, I went away for one week. Many thought the team would be better without me. It clearly wasn’t. But we’re not here today to talk about me looking like a pepperami, we’re here today to discuss whether Merton were really just totally useless on Saturday, or whether Johnson had fiddled them”

The first piece of evidence was shown, which was a text conversation between the defendant and the club.

It wasn’t entirely a perverted exhange, Jonno was clearly interested in who would be starting for the 2s. It looked a strong line-up too, with our previous MoM Joe Cox retaining his position at centre back and last weeks star man for the threes Andy Larkin back in the side at full back.

Webber QC carried on the inquest and began to tell the jury about the days events.

“On Saturday Afternoon, at roughly 1:35pm. The game had kicked off” the prosecution told the Jury. “Merton had started brightly and should have been 5 goals to the good within the first 15 minutes… First there was a wonderful opportunity for Chris, when some excellent play from back to front saw Josh deliver a wonderful ball onto the head of the forward. However, the striker was very unfortunate to see his glancing header hit the top of the bar and go out of play”

“Merton also had a great chance and again were kept out by the woodwork. This time it was Jon Wilson with the attempt as he tried to lob the keeper and his shot agonisingly hit the bar” The prosecution continued to set the scene to the courtroom by insisting that “Merton hit the post for a third time moments later, this time chris hitting his shot onto the outside of the woodwork from 12 yards out – so you see, Merton were definitely playing well and nothing out of the ordinary was happening at this point”


It was the prosecutions job to higlight that Merton even took the lead during this good spell, “As Joe went to clear the ball from the back, he was needlessly scythed down and a freekick was awarded onto the half way line. As Taylor whipped in a delicious ball it was that same victim Joe Cox who ran in, took a glorious touch through the centrebacks legs and smashed the ball on the sliding volley into the back of the net – as you can tell, this was very much the same Merton Social who are toward the top of the league”

The prosecutor had set the scene and proceeded to talk about the horrific event that caused Merton’s downfall…

“Johnson had seen the goal though his Binoculars from the Nursery near Sam Wowks house [the QC then explained to the Jury that Sam was our part time goalkeeper who wanks on biscuits for fun] he had then sent a snap chat to the Merton team to show how excited he was”

This was clearly the point that Merton had started to panic and instead of concentrating on getting the job done, they become scared for their backdoors and began to panic.”


Shortly after this chilling incident, Merton imploded and conceded a goal from a set piece. A whipped in freekick evaded everyone and bounced in the 6 yard box where their centre mid was onhand to half volley ferociously into the roof of the net. “Clearly this was the work of a man who molests people – they were terrified to even go into their own box!” argued the prosecution.

And Merton went 1-2 down… “OBJECTION” shouted Matthew Elwell, co-council for the accused. “He was deffo offside I had my flag in the air and everything.” Merton massively got out of Jail when a wobbly line caused an error of doubt in the referee and he had to ask the linesman whether the man that ran onto the ball and headed it past Scott from 18 yards was actually the wrong side of his man. “He definitely was and this should not count towards any affect my client may or may not have had in molesting the players mental state”. The judge took a moment and then sustained the objection, but he did make special note that Elwell had infact drafted Johnson in and that he had a confict of interest and would not be allowed on the field of play for the rest of the game… leaving Merton with a bare 11 for 90 minutes.

Merton went in at half time 1-1 and had chance to regroup, however, it was clear that Paedo Johnson was still in peoples minds and there were even claims that when people went for a wazz up against the fence, he was hiding in the bushes trying to touch everyones winkies.


“Merton were clearly distraught” claimed the prosecution. Merton had tried their best but Johnson was now not just in the bushes and in the players heads but had somehow diffused himself and had gotten into the air! “FOUR Merton players were forced to camp out in the opposition half as they were so scared to track back in case they were molested by the air, and this meant no one could close down the centreback taking a shot” insisted Webber. Johnson's airborne molesty-magic then picked up the shot that was going wide and bounced it heinously off of Abbey's arse before sending it into the net. It was a paedo trick with paedo magic and Merton were the paedo victims.

Merton couldn’t get out of 1st gear but still had the odd chance. After Wilson was fouled on the edge, Josh went close with the free kick and hit the outside of the post.


Merton did pull it back to evens and it was from a throw in the we did. The ball coming in from Larkin to will who flicked it on the the back post where Chris Moores was waiting to stab it home from 3 yards out. A bit closer than his last goal, but just as timely and important!


However, not content with seeing Merton happy, Magic Johnson came back and this time he got into the referee’s head - as Scotty came rushing out, got a hand to the ball - but then also took the man. The keeper was about to wave play on when, allegedly, Johnson whispered in his ear “blow the whistle or I’ll take you round the back of a chinese takeaway in me range rover…” The referee had no choice and understandably blew the whistle for a spot kick. Which was duly converted.

Merton had limited chances to equalise and pushed hard late on, but sadly our non-existent cup run came to an end.

The Right Honourable Webber QC, summed up his case to the Jury with the following closing statement:

“lads and lasses of the Jury, you’ve heard today about how Johnson snapchatted and text his way into the minds of Merton and even touched some of them up and affected the game. It’s up to you to find him guilty. Just think of the evidence... 1) Merton were poor at defending set pieces – this cannot be true!

2) Merton missed some big and easy chances – this also cannot be true!

3) Merton were really f**king lazy in the second half and hardly anyone tracked back or did any talking – surely this cannot be true?

It must have been Johnson. I rest my case”

In defence, the Not-Honorable-One-Bit Mr. Thicko Nojob NQ (not qualified) gave his take on it. “Merton were pony ‘n’ trap. Pathetic. Couldn’t take how hard we were. They were just little girls, crying. Lower Green are the best and they’re all mugs. Good luck in division 3 next year losers.” His co-council reminded him that we were miles above them in the league and he retracted the last part of his statement.

The Jury took a short recess and within minutes came back with their verdict. The whole courtroom looked round eagerly anticipating what would happen. The Chair of the Jury rose. “We find the defendant Mr Adam Johnson, NOT GUILTY”. A cry of shock came and bellowed around the room as Judge Keith Hipwood banged on his Gavil “Order, Order” he yelled, before dishing out the following punishments:

“It was clear from the outset that Johnson had not touched any of you – your youngest player is nearly 30 FFS! However, you all need to man up and realise that there are no excuses whatsoever for a lack of effort when it comes to a cup game. We can take bad touches, we can take bad mistakes - but we can not accept a lack of effort. You can’t blame anyone for your own useless performances and need to try harder if you really want to get promoted into Division 1.”

The judge was harsh but fair and continued his sentencing…

“I sentence you all to another season in Division Two, IF, you don’t pull your fingers out of your arses and man up. KGC will be no mugs and will punish you playing like that – so please, for gods sake, just TRY HARDER next week!”

Man of the Match

This week there’s only one candidate, Matthew Elwell. He came all the way from Stratford, a meer 90min journey just to do the line for 90mins before having another 90min journey home. He was injured but didn’t want to let the team down. He saved us a £10 fine and ruled out a goal that would have stood if we only had 11 men at a crucial time. Well not played mate!


Latest News
Recent Posts
bottom of page