Nice Guys Finish Last


Last night marked one of the most significant and prestigious events on the arts calendar. The 88th Annual Academy Awards. If anyone was daft enough to stay up until 1am to watch it, then brilliant. Pat yourselves on the dick and take the rest of the match report off. If you’re an ugly bastard like Webber and value your beauty kip, then basically all you missed was the Superbowl, without the 6 hour ad-breaks, without a boring set from Coldplay and with almost 100% less black people. Actually, I shouldn’t say that last bit. There was one black guy there, Chris Rock. There’s been a lot of noise on social media since the ceremony about Chris Rock and his #OscarsSoWhite opening monologue. As the guy who starred in critically acclaimed movies such as ‘Lethal Weapon 4’ and ‘Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted’ decided to lecture Hollywood on why the movie studios need to evoke the Rooney Rule. Chris son, calm down. If you think the Oscars are so white, then you should have got yourself down to Kimber Road on Saturday to see what the Merton lads had to put up with:

#ParksideSoWhite, they had more kids on the side-line than substitutes.

#ParksideSoWhite, they scored more goals than their players had teeth

#ParksideSoWhite, they thought a throw-in was something the Queen sat on

#ParksideSoWhite, they thought “give him a yard” meant tarmac his garden

#ParksideSoWhite, they thought a penalty was only given for parking your caravan on double yellow lines…

There were many similarities between last night’s Film awards and Merton’s double header against our least favourite part time footballers, part time Weatherspoon enthusiasts: There was a lot of talk about no action being taken for ‘Concussion’ – Will Smith didn’t get nominated for his starring role, while Chris Anstey was seeing stars when he got booted in the face by their #10. All the talk before the both events centred on what everyone was wearing – the Oscars had Jennifer Lawrence in her elegant, black Dior number, while Merton had Will Fryer in his illuminous f*cking yellow under armour that looked like it had come straight off the £1 sales rack at Sports Direct.

As with any long-winded, drawn out awards ceremony - we’ll skip the full account of every single event for now and just head straight to the results. So, without further ado, here’s a breakdown of who were the biggest winners (and losers) on the day….

Best Excuse

  • Andy Moffatt, for “The Flu”

  • Jon Wilson, for “Holiday in Barbados”

  • John Abbey, for “Poorly Leg”

  • Terry Denness, for “Injuring back by taking free kicks in the warm up!”

And the winner is….

JON WILSON! (v/o: We were 2nd in the league before Jon went on holiday, so I blame him for all three losses while he’s been away)

Worst Refereeing Decision

  • Awarding Louis a free-kick rather than a penalty when he was fouled INSIDE the Box

  • Not awarding a penalty when Morty’s goalbound volley was blocked in the last minute with an outstretched hand.

  • Not awarding any free-kicks for the numerous challenges, punches, elbows and kicks out from Parkside toward the Merton players.

  • Allowing Parkside to play 5 different substitutes in the second game

  • Booking 2 players and not taking their names

  • Ryan Watson, the original referee pulling out and leaving us with a novice in charge.

And the winner is…..

RYAN WATSON, for pulling out! (v/o: Just a shame his dad didn’t pull out, useless c*nt)

Best Supporting Supporter

  • Keef Hipwood, the Chairman

  • Paul Hart, The Director of Football

  • Frank Gallagher, The Parkside Assistant

  • Kelly and Grace (who’d had enough and left after Ian’s OG)

And the winner is…..

FRANK GALLAGHER! (v/o: The Parkside Assistant won his very first supporters award for managing to not string a sentence together in 2 hours of football while having a can of Stella in his hands at all time. It would have been so easy for him to have gone for a can of Skol, LCL or Special Brew and we think the fact he chose Stella has given him an edge with the judges)

Best Speech

  • Nick Ball teaching the Parkside defence how to count to 10

  • Chris Anstey’s go at Webber during his freekick run-up

And the winner is…..

CHRIS ANSTEY! (v/o: after Webber had said very loudly on the sideline “WHY IS ANSTEY TAKING THIS?” Chris stopped halfway through his run up to say “Gary I can bloody hear you, y’know?” before continuing and leathering it over the bar. I think Josh is still laughing…)

Best Director

  • Morty

  • Ian

  • Teddy from Hangtime

And the winner is…..

TEDDY from Hangtime! (v/o: He directed the game brilliantly. Disregarding the rule book by cancelling the firsts teams game so he could bring down 20 players, playing 5 subs when you can only play 3 and also for looking exactly like Teddy from Hangtime. It was uncanny)

Best Own Goal…

  • Ian Taylor, for his performance in - “3 yard blasty into the Merton net”

  • Scott Fitzgerald, for his performance in - “Punching the pigskin into the onion bag”

And the winner is…..

SCOTT FITZGERALD! (v/o: this is only the third time that Scott has won the award for punching the ball into his own net, the first coming at Surbiton Eagles and the second at NPL. Scott beat off stiff competition from Ian who scored with an acute volley from three yards)

Man of the Match

For this award there was only one nominee. All of the Oscars talk in the build-up to the ceremony was about Leonardo DiCaprio not winning an Oscar. He had put in some sterling performances yet always come up short for the big award at the end of the game. However, this time he had one special performance that showed pride, effort and passion more than any performance he’d given. For that reason, he took home the gong. Not too dis-similar to Merton’s own Chris Moores, who despite Merton losing 4-0 in the second game, grafted for 60 minutes, played some intricate passes and was unlucky to not nab a couple of assists in the process. He probably should have won an MoM in the past, but thoroughly deserved his first and I’m sure it won’t be his last. Well played.

To end on a closing note and all joking aside, Merton were beaten by a team that took full advantage of the conditions. We worked hard and played good football, but the 20 players, 2 managers and 10 supporters of Parkside bullied a young, shy referee into making – or not making – the correct decision time and time again. Our manager asked us to be bigger men but Saturday was proof that the nice guys sadly finish last. The only consolation from the game is that we were spared an away game at their place – so hopefully we never have to play them again. Saturday was a kick in the teeth for human beings anywhere.


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