The House on Shnargle Hill


Dear Scott,

The Soche were subjected to an incredibly uncomfortable journey to Twickenham on Saturday as, with only resident posh boy Tom Leach to reassure them that they would not be forced into a game of soggy biscuit; they were herded on to a train with thousands of rugger blokes. Visibly jarred out but feeling closer than ever they descended on Marble Hill House (the property given to king James’s II’s mistress for ménages and the sesh) totally unaware of the epic match they were about to take part in.

It was clear from the word go that this was no ordinary day. Following scathing comments by Felix Leach in a previous match report, TK made his first ever tactical change after over a year and a half in charge. It was to be a 4:3:3 today, but unfortunately his legendary stubbornness was to be vindicated when despite having a strong team the Soche got off to one of the poorest starts I have ever witnessed. With no shape, desire or passes the boys were soon 2-0 down to a very mediocre team and it wasn’t until after 20 mins when they reverted back to their usual shape that the boys started to get a foothold in the game.

With Cape flying into every challenge he possibly could and some he couldn’t, KPR were starting to get visibly upset. The change in formation created more space in the 10 position for TK and the wingers. Finally Merton had woken up and were in the game, but not before the game began to boil over just prior to the half. Cape was of course involved, backing into his marker from a throw in, he accidentally stood on the pathetic boys toe and the referee gave nothing until said marker began screaming and lashing out in the box. A penalty… surely? But ‘the worst ref I have ever had’, who had lost control the game after around a minute, instead chose to book both parties and the game continued, looking tastier than ever.

The final act of a heated half came courtesy of Ham. After a tussle on the touch line he ended up in a grabbing match, which he won, leaving their bizarre right back fuming and needing ‘holding back’. He unleashed an intense gurning rant at the Soche, his jaw contorting as he forced out the words and actions to suggest that Merton boys were the ones who were shnarged up?? A truly scandalous accusation… D-fizz wasn’t even there ffs!!!

Hell bent on revenge, the Soche really turned on the style in the second half. The defence were solid and the midfield dominant, linking up nicely with a dangerous attack led by the tiny talisman Tom. It was Dupee however who got Merton back in it, with a cross-cum-shot, directly aimed and dedicated to Scott Townsin. He just could not wait to tell him! Tom was not going to return to his west London stomping grounds without getting a piece of the action as minutes later he coolly slotted home his younger but taller brother’s expert cross. Now it was really game on, but a fight was raging on the half way line!! A foul mouthed tirade was popping off and as celebrating party turned to wade in, they were not particularly shocked to see TK and JB locking horns in the lovers tiff to end them all!

At 2-2 Merton were controlling the game, but kew were looking dangerous on the break, bringing on a speedy striker who was mostly well dealt with by the defence and some wonderful saves by the genius Tommy P. It would take a long throw which managed to evade everyone except the gurning 12 year old who managed to poke it home. He celebrated very wildly, almost as though the lord had descended on the pitch and touched his soul at half time. Perhaps his spirit still lingered at the Mistress’ mansion from ye olde seshe all those years ago.

A swift reaction was needed and this came in the form of a thumping header from Cape as he rose above everyone and guided home Dupee’s brilliant out swinging corner. 3-3 and there only looked like one winner from here. The Soche were pouring forward and soon Leach was sent trundling toward the goal, he was one on one but with a defender behind him. He did brilliantly to stay up and continue moving as the defender climbed all over him and fouled repeatedly. Of course the spineless ref gave nothing and minutes later Kew were up the other end, with their speedy striker stealing the points in the last minute. The Soche returned to Skehan's heartbroken but ready for sesh!

UTS

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