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Something smells fishy at Fishponds: The unmistakable stench of goals

The Soash faced AC Malden again. Fred Durst grabbed a hatty-T as they beat us 4-2 last time in Merton's worst performance in their 30 year history, and rank as the worst team I have ever lost to. We were keen to make amends.

Merton were a bit more 442 than usual:


Danny AJ Anst Al

Pat DH16 HP8 KQ

Uncle Paul

Sir Stephen

Slow bench: Jox and Mass

Quite a physical start to the game before Merton started showing themselves to be the more technical side, while keeping their striker big Vin Weasel quiet. Their keeper pulling off some good saves but also having a case of the Minchins with some wayward goal kicks. Aron let him know he was having a 'stinker'. This was when Merton had their first sniff at freshly baked goals.

We thought we'd taken the lead after a short corner to Di Moulo who pinged one across the box into the far corner. It looked in but the lino, Sian Massey, remained unmoved. Hawk eye required at grass roots.

Shortly after we went one up with a real, open play goal. A few short passes culminating in Brooz laying back to me first time before I threaded one round their CB first time. Jason DeMoulo danced through and struck it low and hard across their keeps. He had a similar chance later in the half but Sir Stephen Assists kicked in and he tried to square it after hearing a late shout.

The second came after a lovely break. Patt was giving their LB a torrid time. He got to the by-line on this occasion and fizzed it low across the box for his best friend KQ to tap in. Another nicely worked goal from open play.

At some point in the half their right back kicked me lightly on the floor after a tangle. I responded with a well measured overreaction.

They got near our goal once in the first half. A scramble in the box dealt with by our trusty right back Danny Winters who won the ball clean with all of his studs, leaving a piece on Limp Bikit's Mustelidae frontman too, who had given as good he'd got all game.

The lads came in at half time and there was noticeable hum in the air. If we continued to dominate, George had a big clean up job on his hands to remove the smell for the new year.

Quinno came off with a knock having had to lift his leg above hip level twice for a couple of swaz-voll-cross-fieldies. Moulesy also off. Good half from them both. Hold-up men Jox and Mass on in their place.

Not long after HT, Patt burst through on goal and the LB sat on him in the box. 'STONEWALL' cried Merton and their loyal fans. It was. Despite having financial incentive from Mass to go dinks, Uncle Paul opted for Bottom Corner, Slotsville, UK.

Uncle Paul liked what he smelt, and wanted more of that sweet goal-ey odour deep in his nostrils. He achieved this by selecting a lob wedge and chipping in from 20 yards with his not very weak, weaker left peg. Keeper must have misjudged as it nestled bottom corner. After the match he said something to Bruiser about being done by the spin. Uncle Paul looked at him like the biggest chopper he'd ever come across. 8 in 4 for Uncy P who is no longer coming in dry this Xmas as the goals rain down.

Anstey got a yellow after calling their striker a 'pathetic little weasel'. A harsh booking as the assessment was fair. Mesut Wözil also carded for his part in the altercation.

HP8 moved to HP10 after he got a dead leg. His lack of mobility seemed to improve his performance with some great first time lay-offs and then a goal...Robbo /Anderton nicked the ball from the LB, ran out wide, and plopped one on Ince/Sir Les' bonce. Parking didn't, and physically couldn't, jump, but still executed a lovely header over the keeper. It was really starting to reek now.

Jox was playing like he'd never even seen a football before and was maybe auditioning for Nick Hancock's next video. But fair play to the kid he put his usual shift in and eventually got on the end of a Massey cross who had created the chance with some vintage wing play.

Aron thought we were winning enough to stop caring so feathered a clearance to their very bald midfielder who finished well from 20 yards. Ethon's Dad thought otherwise and gave his son pelters as soon as he was off the pitch for not saving it. Tough love.

In the off-season Mass is used to setting the field but the tables turned when we were defending a corner. Anst insisted Mass moved from deep fine leg to silly mid-off but he was met with stubborn resistance. Luckily the delivery was easily missing our off-stump.

Mass then made it the stinkiest game of the season with a left foot finesse finish, relieving himself of skip duty come the season’s end.

By full-time Fishponds had been transformed into the footballing equivalent of a Dutch Oven. Merton dropped their guts under the duvet and trapped the powerless head of AC Malden underneath, forcing the inhalation of our pungent goals.

Other highlights include Danny resenting the boring RB role so much that he had a stormer, looking rapid on the overlap. Captain, leader, trainee accountant, legend.

It was also great to see the Gooding Express steam up the left hand side all game, with some pinpoint throw-ins to boot.

Later that eve, Uncle Paul treated us to some more boozy late night whatsapp media, helping to boost team morale even further.

Good to dick a team that was there for the dicking rather than scrap a victory by a single goal.

Merry Xmas one and all, I am off to try and catch the birth of Christ having spotted a lovely star in the sky.


Manager's Note

Nothing to add apart from a deserved DOM MOM. Merry Chrsitmas and let's kick on in the New Year.


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