Diving Shit Spoils The Headlines

You diving little cunt. You horrible little cheating diving shit. Not only did you rob us of two points, but you robbed me of one of the best headlines of a generation. I had it all planned – “Winning Streak” – in pt24 Monotype Corsica (the best font, if you’re asking) with the streak in bold and with me going off on one during a 500-word opening paragraph about the pissed Romanian bloke who turned up at half time in his high-vis council jacked and no kegs, danced his way onto the field with a can of Tyskie and decided to chant “you are shit” for 15 minutes at the opposition goalkeeper – all before flashing his arse while taking a no-hand piss up against the tree. Instead, I have to write about a dive, a dodgy ref and a fat bloke knocking in a penalty.

​Pic: Pissed cunt in high-vis jacket After a relatively implausible clean sheet last week, Merton reverted back to form by shipping in 3 goals on a day that certainly wasn’t the best at the office, but weren’t helped by critical decisions going against us (quell surprise!).

As the game kicked off, we were elated to have a proper referee, something sorely missing from the first time the two sides met earlier in the season but alas, the dream of an unbiased ref turned into a nightmare of Bob Gash proportions, when the whistler allowed a dangerous foul to go unpunished on Wilson, before booking our midfielder for a legitimate tackle where he won the ball cleanly.

0-1 The referee was in inspired form and when Andy Larkin chested the ball near the corner flag, the referee gave a free-kick for hand ball and allowed them to take it from 10-yards further back, in a much more attractive position. To be fair to the lad, he struck the ball cleanly and it went into the top corner of the net. Trinity had a few chances to extend their lead, but Scotty Fitzgerald was having a blinder. First tipping a 40-yard lob over the bar, then pulling off a Shay Given of a save to tip a shot from the edge of the box just wide. A real heroic performance in the sticks.

1-1 #JTFJW was trending on Twitter, as fans clearly outraged by Jon Wilson’s earlier booking were demanding blood. They had it on the half-hour mark, when Wilson closed down a hospital backpass which the keeper cannoned off our winger and saw him follow up and smash the ball into the net with his right foot from 6-yards.

It was game on…

There were limited chances right the way through to half time at which point we could come off the field and regroup. It had been in stark contrast to last week’s performance. We’d looked weak off the ball and often void of ideas on it, spending much of the first half working hard rather than working smart and we committed far too many times into tackles without winning the ball. The long ball reared its ugly head far too bloody often and without Louis to bustle his way through the entire team from the halfway line – we struggled to get into the game. Maybe brainless at times, we were working hard though. Andrew Findlater in particular was leading the charge on energy – Heatmap analysis capturing his first 45 minutes in centre midfield perfectly.

Fryer was working really hard up top too – His heat-map very accurately captured his style of play

Just don’t get me started on Webber….

The second half came and we’d started brightly, Fryer first going close from 20-yards where he thumped a goal bound effort into the bottom corner, save for the goalkeepers glove which somehow got in the way and tipped the ball around the corner of the post. Then Chris Moores went close with an effort from distance, which wasn’t far wide. Pysey had entered the fray and was spraying passes all over the shop like a ginger Pirlo. We’d been unlucky twice not to score from two set pieces from deep and we’d been pressing and pressing in the hope of something to finally pay off…

Sadly, the only thing that paid off was Trinity’s long ball game as Merton were caught napping.

1-2 Their skipper pretty much had two tricks – falling over dramatically and lumping it long. It was the former that caught us out. As Findlater dived in for a tackle, he fell to the floor. Everyone on his team had stopped and called for a foul and their fullback booted the ball away in anger. The ref rightly didn’t blow but we weren’t alert and as the ball bounced 30 yards from goal their striker was quickest to it, rounded Scott and slotted home into an empty net.

Time was ticking on and Merton were coming up short for answers until a superb set piece unpicked their defence… 2-2 With 15 minutes left Merton were level. Andy Larkin came up with the goods as his superb long throw evaded everyone and bounced on the 6-yard line, where a Kevin Nolan-esque Andy Findlater was on hand to tuck the ball past the keeper from close range and into the back of the net. Scenes.

From now on it was all Merton. We sensed we could win the game and were pushing for that all important winner. Ian Taylor on the right wing was dancing past the full back and Will Fryer was winning free-kicks for fun in dangerous positions.

3-2 We finally came good on our scoring promise with 5 minutes left on the clock. A free-kick from 25-yards was placed and as Morton tried to curl it into the top corner, it took a deflection from the fat cunt on the end of the wall and looped into the top left corner of the net.

Merton changed shape and moved to a 5-man defence to try and hold on from the onslaught of the inevitable long ball, but alas, it was not to be. 3-3 Into stoppage time, a long ball was dealt with by Alex Hall – who’d been superb throughout – and he did the safest thing of kicking it out for a throw-in. The ball was thrown in and flicked to the back post. As it landed toward the edge of the 18-yard box, their winger played the man not the ball, – arched his back and waited for content, before throwing himself on the floor.

He conned the referee into thinking it was a penalty and not a free-kick for obstruction to us. Their Skipper stepped up and hit a bobbled shot into the bottom corner… Cue their celebrations...

That was pretty much the last kick of the game hands were shaken and Merton felt aggrieved, but in all honesty – it was a performance that didn’t really warrant a victory. We were sloppy all over the park and made a few key mistakes which we must put right on Saturday if we’re to realise our potential and start climbing the table.

Our star man was almost unanimous this week – he worked tirelessly in midfield for 90minutes and scored a pivotal goal to get us back into the game at a vital time. Well played The FIST.

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