Smash and Grab

WANTED: Armed Robber Suspected of Motspur Park Smash and Grab

POLICE APPEAL: The man officers want to speak to

POLICE investigating an armed robbery at a South-West London playing field have today released CCTV footage of a man they want to speak to in connection with the offence.

The recent incident took place on Saturday, March 11th at King George’s Park in Earsfield and Officers believe the man is solely responsible for the offence. However, they haven’t ruled out that he had used an accomplice after witnesses recorded hearing a weird Bristolian accent and seeing a combine harvester outside of the park.

Investigating officer, Detective Constable Shona Wilkinson of the London Met's Flying Squad, said:

"During the robbery, the suspect loitered outside the 18-yard box, seemingly waiting for it to become less busy. He then strolled up to the goalkeeper and pointed what appeared to be a black, semi-automatic Copa Mundial at him, before demanding that he hand over all 3 points"

"Eye-witnesses at the scene say he even dropped to his knees and screamed with joy once he’d finished robbing the victims."

The suspect is described as being average height with short brown hair, as being in his late 20s and having a generic London accent. He is considered to be extremely dangerous from 3-yards.

Anyone with information is asked to contact DC Wilkinson at the Flying Squad on 07789 652 826 or call Crimestoppers anonymously on 0800 555 111.

Merton Social 2 - 1 Motspur Park Reserves

Incredibly, Merton bagged all 3 points on Saturday after a last minute winner made the Barca-PSG game look like an uneventful game of bridge in an old people's home. It had everything you'd want from an amateur game of football:

  • Awful Refereeing

  • Awful Defending

  • Awful Finishing

  • Awful Goals

However, the one thing it didn't have was Sam Wowk - who rather than cheering on the boys, had decided to see how many hobnobs he could batch his load all over in 80mins of Italy vs France egg-chasing.

Not the only one to blow his load, Ian Taylor got very giddy at the pre-match announcement of our chosen 3-3-4 formation - which was actually supposed to be a 5-3-2, but you wouldn't think it with how high bloody him and Pyesy were up the pitch!

We'd started quite well, with Louis being his usual Perissodactylan self and providing the attacking intent for the first half. After seeing an early penalty appeal turned down, there was a stone wall decision not given a few moments later. As the referee had refused to give a single foul to our talisman. By 30mins in, how Merton weren't a goal to the good was dumbfounding. Louis again had skipped into the box and was brought down for a third time. The contact was clear and the referee was stood right next to it - so how had he not given a pen? As the ball was out of play, Morty asked why, politely, and was told he was not interested. "Not interested in giving a foul?" was the response that promptly got Morton booked and an indirect free-kick given 80 yards away from the penalty shout and on the edge of our own box. Despite it being a free-kick, Motspur Park still shot and thankfully it hit the trees.

The first half had been one of little action, we'd not really had many chances and the opposition were exploiting the gaps down the wings which were keeping the back three busy. Scott had saved a fantastic 1-on-1 around the 40' mark as their Zlatan look-a-like (thankfully not a play-a-like) managed to beat the offside trap and strike one toward the top corner, only for Scott to claw it away.

Scott pulled off another fantastic save moments later, but the rebound was heading toward goal. Thankfully, Nick Ball was on hand to pull off a sliding goal-line clearance to keep the scores stale.

As half time came, the pitch was beginning to cut up and the two's were looking tired. Playing 2 games in 4 days was a little too much for our top scorer, as Louis departed the field through injury, Chris Moores taking his place up top.

We got going again and the second half wasn't much better. While we work extremely hard off the ball, we always looked uncomfortable and a few players were taking a kicking. The ref had took a disliking to Morty and Webber - the pair not getting a single free-kick in the second half despite some clear fouls. Taylor and Pyesy were used to the formation and grafting hard with the ball at their feet, while the rotated Alex, Abbey, Joe and Nick at CB were dealing with everything Motspur had to throw at us.

0-1

Their skipper, arguably the worst player on the pitch, managed to latch, unmarked, onto a corner to tap in from 3-yards. Quite how he'd been allowed to run without opposition was quite alarming - as Merton's strong defense was finally breached.

Josh was dropping deep and spraying passes and Chris was working his knackers off to try and get on the end of them, he was unlucky not to score when his 20-yard piledriver had all the power, but sadly not the placement...

As the game carried on, Merton were resigning themselves to another defeat to a team below them and starting to think the end of the season couldn't come quick enough. There were only 2 minutes left of stoppage time on the clock when Merton''s luck began to change...

1-1 (Morton 90')

The best left-back at the club award is a closely contested accolade, as Ian had left the field for the final 5 minutes, Pyesy slotted in to stake his own claim for the title. He took over on corner duties and hit a beautiful in-swinger in to the penalty area. As Simon Morton leaped highest, he nodded into the back of the net to salvage what we thought was a point...

Motspur Park were shaken and at kick-off, the whole of Merton Social forced them back toward their own goalkeeper. As the team hunted in packs, the pressure was getting to the visitors. A sloppy pass was pounced upon and Merton played a sublime throughball was slotted down the wing. Josh looked absolutely fucked, but somehow managed to find an extra ounce of gas in the tank to out sprint his marker and get to the ball first. The rest... happened in slow motion.

2-1 (The Fist, 90+2')

Blowing out of his arse and ready for bed, Tovey couldn't even look up, but somehow slid an absolutely perfect eye-of-the-needle ball past the on-rushing defender and their keeper. The whole of Merton stood and watched in silence, unable to move - as Fisty ran though, like a young Mark Noble ready to tap the ball home. As he got closer, the ball started to bobble on the pitch and our nerves started to wobble as Shades of Tolu returned to Merton - Would he shin it? Would he connect it? Would the ghost of Ade Akinbiyi possess him and cause him to miss a sitter...?

Would he fuck.

BANG, he strolled onto it cool as fuck and tucked it away. Although what followed was not cool as fuck. He dropped to his knees and let out a high pitch scream, we didn't care though as we all piled on in celebration. We knew we'd not deserved the win - but we'd fucking take it!

There was no time for the kick off, as the whistler ended the game and Merton had Smashed and Grabbed their way to all three points. Get the fuck in.

Man of the Match

In all cinematic tales, where one man steps up and delivers at the final minute to bring the confetti raining down and the fans to cheer in celebration - the hero of the story gets rewarded with the Star Man award.

Well... this is Merton Social so of course we were going to ignore that fairy-tale and vote for a fucking centre-back. it was a close contest between Nick Ball and John Abbey - and it was that latter that edged it at the death! After an extremely accomplished performance that cut out so many offenses to keep the score to a winnable margin, John Abbey deservedly took home the accolade. Well played mate...

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