Breaking News: #sandwichgate


Merton Social manager Simon Morton, SENSATIONALLY QUIT the club last night in a heated row with Club Chairman Gary Webber over SANDWICHES!

The second team gaffer was apparently furious in the wake of Saturday’s 0-2 loss to Cheam when he got to The Fog, only to find Caroline had catered for 10 footballers – not the 12 that actually turned up! The scandal worsened when it was revealed that Gary had mistakenly said “10 players” and not “12” because his hands were sticky from the vigorous sexting session he was having with the pub Landlady at the time.

In a short statement given to Sky Sports News’ Anchor Michael Weightman, Morton said “'That's it. It's over for me with the team. There’s no coming back after something like this, the damage is irreparable”. He continued to explain, “I probably won't be the only one to leave either, there are various players who are considering quitting over the debacle. This is the worst I've seen the dressing room – Tom Pye didn’t even get a sausage roll, it was a f**king disgrace.” Morton, who took over from Paul D’Souza in 2011, had spent 6 years at the helm of the team managing 149 games and has guided his side up 5 places on the Football League Pyramid during his time in charge - having the statistical advantage over his predecessor.

Morton was also influential in signing some key players; including Mike Wilcox, Andy Rockett and club legend David Balchin.

Assistant Manager Ian Taylor said: "Whilst there has been a lot of intense speculation surrounding Simon’s position over recent days, my sole priority has been to maintain my professionalism and carry on with my work to best prepare the team for the remaining fixtures against Reigate Priory and Old Plyms.” Ian Continued “I’ve washed the kit three times this week alone, after all, the Runner Up of the Secretary of the Year award isn’t going to win itself…” Andrew “The Face of Middlesbrough Busses” Larkin, who was handed his debut by the outgoing manager in July 2015, said - “I’m fucking devastated me like. I mean, he was a crap player – but his match reports were class. I hope the new manager recognises how good I am at long throws…” Meanwhile, Andrew's brother Gavin phoned up Talksport to speak of his devastation:

Sam Wowk is said to be most sad by the news, as without Morton mentioning that he wanks on biscuits every week – people might actually forget he’s part of the club. Andy Moffatt was sadly unavailable for comment – as he has been for selection most of the season - the club captain tripped and injured himself on the way to speak to our reporter.

Morton is contractually obliged to be in the Dugout for his 150th and final game in charge of the team this Saturday against Reigate Priory, with the club confirming Ian Taylor will take charge of the final game of the season against Old Plyms on April 8th. Taylor has stated that this season will likely see him step down as assistant manager – saying that he couldn’t possibly do the John Carver role without Joe Kinnear.

Chairman Webber still hopes that he can keep Taylor - who has been described as the team's "Craig Shakespeare" and the real secret behind Merton's success - with a lucrative contract where the club pays for unlimited Sondico footballs, 50 tubs of wet-look gel and a lifetime supply of Bold 2-in-1.

The search for a head coach has begun and the club are expected to make an announcement before the end of season dinner on the 20th April, however, that hasn’t stopped bookmakers SkyBet installing jobless Steve McLaren as the early favourite after his sacking from Derby County earlier in the year.

Morton’s penultimate game in charge sadly ended in a 0-2 loss, at home to Champions Elect Cheam Villiage Warriors. Described by some as “An absolute bunch of cunts”, Cheam kicked, punched and cheated their way to all three points. Scott FitzGerald, Joe Cox and Alex Hall all had to be substituted due to becoming casualties of war, as yellow cards were raining on the opposition for stamps, elbows and general dissent - plenty more fouls went unpunished.

In a game of minimal chances, Merton applied themselves well in the second half - and had started to look the more dangerous – but sadly the away side were to emerge victorious.

It came as no surprise as Ed Mac picked up the MoM award with an incredible 8 votes – the biggest margin we’ve seen this year on only his second appearance. After the game, Will Fryer (clad in a tight deep-v and his wife's sunglasses) commented “mate, they weren’t all that them… mind, we played all right – Ed Mac was fantastic!”, while Nick Ball added, “yeah Ed Mac was quality.”

Whether or not Ed Mac is available on Saturday is yet to be made public, however, with Fisty now out for the season with a strained vagina, he’d be massively valued in the middle of the pitch.

Now the club must look to Saturday's huge game at Reigate - as the Morton dictatorship finally comes to an end…

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