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Soche search for robot's receipt after away defeat

Back when Reverend Loveday was merely a small boy in short trousers at Sunday school, he wondered about what technological advancements the future would hold. Will we be able to teleport to Caterham instead of having to travel for 2 hours on public transport? Will there be a level of telepathy that means we don't have to listen to Daniel and Bingham's inane conversations? But instead of these useful developments that have yet to materialize, the Soche's first away game of the season was ultimately decided by a robotic centre-back with a penchant for giving away penalties.

After a stressful yet deserving win to the season, the gaffer had to ring the changes and scrape a team together. The Soche were boosted by debutant Steve Bruce, who passed a late medical on a broken nose (that comprised of pinching it til it hurt) and welcomed new full time keeper Phil between the sticks.

The game got underway on RH Athletic's carpet of a pitch before the clouds opened and Hurricane Irma's little sister (not that type of little sister Scott) provided a downpour. Decent chances for Billy and TK emerged without them hitting the target before TK read a JB spesh shnarg pass but could only rattle the golden opportunity against the goalkeepers shins. RH crept back into the game and after hitting the post and forcing Phil to expertly tip a header over the bar took the lead with a speculative effort that even Tommy P would struggle to deal with.

The Soche were level just before the half however as JD, still fully charged and at optimum working condition, intercepted the ball and stormed up the pitch before playing a one-two on the edge of the box and slotting the ball into the bottom corner to equalize.

The aforementioned rain had proved a problem for JD however, it manged to soak through his adamantium skeletal structure and caused a malfunction in his internal mainframe which saw him give away two penalties in a manner of minutes. Luckily only one was converted, with the other being blasted over the bar and the Soche tried to get back into the game. New signing Andy, on linesman duties for the first time, couldn't ignore the lure of Caterham's babes and turned to Tinder neglecting his duties as assistant referee and consequently missed a rather blatant offside in the build-up to RH's third goal.

The Soche were quickly awarded a penalty of their own as JK was clattered by their giant centre-back. After minutes of deliberation of where the penalty spot should be, the referee carefully arranged a huge tuft of turf to step in as the spot, and with the ball precariously perched atop of said perch, TK, probably too full from eating loads of biscuits at his nan's, smashed it straight down the keeper's grateful throat and into his arms.

Moments later the referee gave the fourth penalty of the match after seeing a handball in the RH box. TK beckoned JD forward to the spot. His timid protest of 'I don't want it' fell on deaf ears as the rigmarole of placing the ball on the penalty tuft was repeated by the referee but the bionic captain managed to put just enough pace on a penalty that bounced 3 times and crept into the corner passed the despairing keeper.

The Soche continued to knock on the door for an equalizer with Andy having a shot cleared off the line, Al hitting the post and Billy stinging the keepers palms with a 30 yard volley but couldn't find the net. Despite putting in a better performance than the opening day with some decent football in the first half, a win evaded the Soche who can hopefully get a win next week providing JD isn't at centre-back.

#Matchreport #matchreport

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