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3G'z: Merton 3 - 0 Tooting Bec

Another game, another trek into the deepest darkest pits of South London that even the lord wouldn’t venture for a visit.

After a full week in the Apple store, the soche were hopeful JD had repaired his internal mainframe of the water damage that had caused him to short circuit on not 1 but 2 occasions last week out. Luckily for everyone the sun was shining as much as it ever can at the end of the Northern Line and no waterproofing of our cyborg captain was needed.

Upon arrival the soche were greeted with the baffling sport of Lacross where all that could be figured out was that you hit people with sticks. We were then greeted with the news of just 10 minutes to adjust to the supreme 3G pitch.

Looking back all this excitement and confusion hindered the start of the match as Tooting began to pass the ball around nicely as the size of the pitch began to dawn on everyone. Quickly though after a few through balls were calmly collected by Phill the soche began to settle in and ping the ball about like Barcelona on a off day. Physio Tindall began showing his unhuman like fitness as he burst between the two boxes causing Tooting all sort of problems, was he ever really ill? Or had he been on a training camp in the Colombian militia.

As usual with the soche this dominance comes with a result, not goals but some confusing misses. The most infamous coming from TK hitting the bar with an open goal from 3 yards - the cries for ‘shoulda shagged it’ soon rang in...maybe he was out of practice.

The dominance soon came with the result we hoped for however, this time with no shaggin required TK found the back of the net. There would ideally be more information on the goal but it was difficult to see from the other end of our Wembley sized pitch.

Half time soon approaching, the pitch began to take it’s toll as the soche took got a little sloppy and Tooting began pressuring. 2 attacks from the left soon came, who knows if it was to do with Leach Jnr seshing until 6am but maybe we can just blame it on Bingham. These two attacks brought the author of this shoddy report into the game. Firstly saving low to the left as everyone stopped playing, who knows if they thought it was half-time or offside, the second forcing a counterfeit de gea-esque tip around the post.

In all honesty the second half seemed to fly by with continued dominance all over the pitch and the soche looking calm, until Theo disturbed the peace calling his own teammate Billy offside, Billy responding with a scream at a frequency only dogs can usually hear. Perhaps this scream broke the Tooting teams resistance as the soche soon went 2-0 & 3-0 up. One more from TK and a T.Leach response keeping the golden boot race mildly interesting for now.

Another strong performance from the soche, sure to strike fear in the hearts of our next opponents. Here’s hoping they at least have some more 2.60 pints.

#Matchreport #MatchReport1516

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